Whose opinion is given precedence in the child's upbringing: the mother or the father?

> May a mother's upbringing of her children (not regarding religious matters)
> take priority over her husbands opinion of upbringing? eg mother wants to
> bath children but father feels weather is cold & doesn't want her to, -
> father wants to overdress child & mother concerned of child feeling too hot?
> does the mother have a right how to care for her children or does the
> father's opinion take priority?

Assalamu 'alaikum...

Bismillah ar-Rahman ar-Raheem

The duty of caring for children and providing them with a good upbringing is one that falls upon both the father and the mother. The parents are responsible for taking care of their children's religious as well as worldly needs, and it is up to both of them to try and protect their children from harm.

It is incumbent upon the mother to protect her children from harm or injury. If she feels that the father's treatment toward their children will lead to such harm, she must do whatever she can to shield them. Obviously, this would apply in the opposite case as well, where the father feels that the children are endangered by their mother.

In the case of the every day care of the children in normal family situations, however, child care is recognized to be primarily the duty of the mother. She should be given enough space to be able to make decisions about how the children will be fed and clothed, as this will help her gain confidence and the skills needed to care for her children.

Of course, this is best done in a situation where there is communication and trust established between the husband and wife. She should do her best to read and consult with other experienced mothers about various childcare issues, and she should then discuss these issues with her husband. This will help him realize that she is taking an active role in their children's upbringing, thereby alleviating some of the nervousness he may be feeling (particularly if he is a "first-time dad").

The wife should take care to keep the father involved in the raising of the children, because many fathers tend to feel left out of the parent-child relationship to some degree, and also because if the father is kept in the loop, he will be able to form stronger and more intimate relationships with his children as they grow older.

When disagreements arise in small issues, it is best to try and discuss the issue at hand and to not turn the disagreement into a tug-of-war. If no agreement can be reached in the end, one parent should be willing to let the issue go, particularly if it is not something that will negatively affect the child.

If the mother feels that her husband is being unreasonable in certain issues, she must first try to reflect on why he may be acting this way (Does he feel that his opinion is never taken into consideration? Is he unaware of the fact that she is taking care to learn more about how to raise their children?). Then she should try to approach the issue in a calm and reasonable manner, rather than let it lead into an argument over unrelated issues, such as who should have the "final say," because this will not help the situation in the end.

InshaAllah, if proper communication and trust is established (both in the realm of child-rearing, as well as generally within their marital
relationship), this will help tremendously in dealing with disagreements over how the children should be raised, as these issues continue to come up over time.

And Allah alone gives success.

Fareeha Khan
Approved by Faraz Rabbani