Pornography in Marriage

I am enagaged and due to be married in three months. My fiance has spoken to me frankly and admitted he has been viewing porn regularly for a number of years.

He agrees with me that this is wrong, and can be especially hurtful in marriage and says that his intention is to stop after marriage, but cannot promise that he will not view it again. Realistically, I find it difficult that someone who forms a habit with porn will be able to quit so easily and give it up completely. His viewing porn really upsets me and and I would find it really hard to be intimate with him or to trust him during marriage as I was always wondering what he was doing on his computer.

I have suggested to my fiance that we include a condition in our marriage contract which would state that viewing or using any porn by either spouse would result in divorce and compensation to be paid to the afflicted spouse.

I don't like the idea of discussing divorce at the start of marriage, but I almost feel like this is necessary to at least ensure my rights should this occur. This condition would be in addition to other conditions regarding not having any relationships outside of marriage.

My fiance says that we will not sign this condition as it is not appropriate for him to do so. I counter and say it is not appropriate for me to have to deal with pornography in marriage. His reply is always the same: Viewing or using pornography is common amongst all men - Muslims included and therefore I am being too sensitive.

I feel we are at an impasse over this topic. I have made it clear that I will not marry unless I have a signed promise from him that he will not engage in pornography and what consequences there will be if he does so. Although it would hurt me not to marry him, I feel that a lifetime of hurt and sadness would await me if I were to marry someone who used and view pornography.

I should also mention that I have made it clear that I will make every effort to be a loving, attentive wife who does her best to please him sexually.

In the Name of Allah, the Gracious, the Merciful.

Dear Sister,

I pray this message finds you in good health and iman.

It's a good thing that you know what you're getting into ahead of time.

Yes, a lot of men do look at internet pornography. But is it justified? No.

Are you being too sensitive? Absolutely not. As a wife, you have the right to expect good behavior, including loyalty and fidelity, from your husband.

Is it possible for your fiance to mend his ways? Yes.

Will he automatically stop looking at porn once he gets married? Probably not. As women, we shouldn't be naive. Internet porn is accessible 24 hours a day and is highly addictive. It is pretty hard for a man to automatically kick his porn habit. In all likelihood, you'll end up putting up with his problem until he finally decides to kick it himself. So now you have to decide if you can live with this type of weakness in your husband.

If the answer is no, then it is probably best if you call the marriage off. Even if you put a "no-porn" clause in your contract, it won't stop your husband from looking at it. And then you'll be in a situation where you have the constant threat of divorce looming over your heads. Such an atmosphere of tension probably won't resolve the situation.

I think you need to be very up front with the brother. If he doesn't care about guarding his eyes from what is unlawful, then why should you marry him? If he won't take serious steps to fight his habit, then you might not want to get into this situation. You don't want to be constantly suspicious of your husband.

Whatever you decide, please don't forget Salat al-Istikhara.

And Allah knows best.