How to Deal with Miserable-Mannered Mother

I find it almost unbearable to be around my mother. Though religious, she is extremely judgemental and self-righteous. She gossips incessantly and is always negative about people. She does work for the masjid bringing iftar nightly but then she is racist and talks negative about blacks. She states that contemporary scholars (such as the ones on this site) can not be trusted because they are changing Islam. She is manipulative and not straightlforward in her dealings and seems to pick disagreements with her children. She speaks so harshly and unappreciatively of my father who has tolerated much verbal abuse. She verbally supports the horrible acts of violence that have defiled the name of our beautiful religion. When I was ready to wear hijab, she advised me not to since it would affect my professional success she thought. She advises us to have extravagant houses and when we are with her at an opportunity to give charity, she tells us we are giving too much. She has no respect for privacy and has opened bedroom and bathroom doors without knocking and has seen me naked several times like this and is very mad if I am bothered at this. All this from a woman who is so good at prayers, zikr, hajj, fasting, covering her body and reading about Islam. I find it detestable to be around her and her qualities are overwhelmingly those that I dislike the most: arrogance, self-righteousness, judgemental, gossiping, two-faced, self-praising, impatient, frugal in charity, and critical of all others. I count the hours until she will return home and sometimes find it hard to hide my annoyance or distaste of her. How do I deal with her? Sometimes I dislike her so much, I do not want to even pray for her and I feel it will be a relief when Allah takes her.

In the Name of Allah, the Gracious, the Merciful.

Dear Sister,

I pray this message finds you in good health and faith.

As women, we would like to look up to our mothers and be inspired by their example. Therefore, it is extremely disappointing when our mothers have their own shortcomings and don't provide the guidance we're looking for.

There are several lessons to take from this:

1. Your mother is a human being. Therefore, she is not perfect. She has her own flaws, faults, and shortcomings. We all do. Even the most intolerable people may have some redeeming characteristics. Please try to focus on whatever good your mother has.

2. Your mother is showing you how NOT to be. You can learn from her mistakes.

3. The purpose of prayer, fasting, and other acts of worship is to make us reflect upon our condition and desist from sin. Unfortunately, your mother's many acts of worship have not had the desired effect. What you must do is take your pleas to Allah Most High and beg Him to change your mother's heart.

4. Your mother, no matter how intolerable, is still deserving of your good treatment. At this point, it may be hard to respect her, but keep in mind that she is still the person who birthed and raised you.

5. Your mother is also your fellow Muslim. We are required to enjoin the good and forbid the bad and give our fellow believers good counsel. If you feel that there may be some benefit, then you might want to tactfully address some of these issues. I sense a lot of frustration here, so it might not be a good idea to talk to your mother when you're upset. Try to find a time when you're calm and you think she might listen. Don't try to tackle these problems all at once. Rather, try to focus on the most glaring issues. For example, her racist comments definitely need to be addressed. However, don't accuse her of racism. Instead, point out the fact that the Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, loved all people, regardless of color. One of the greatest, companions, Bilal, may Allah be pleased with him, was black. Furthermore, the greatest generation of Muslims, the companions, may Allah be pleased with them all, were all converts. It might be good to gently remind your mother that the Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, said, "Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should speak the good or remain silent." [Bukhari and Muslim]

6. It sounds like your mother may be deeply unhappy. Is there something that you could do as a family to address these issues? If her behavior is affecting everyone, then you might want to discuss some strategies for mitigating your mother's behavior. For example, when your mother starts to malign people, it may be necessary to leave the room, or otherwise make clear to her that you won't listen to such talk. Make a point of saying something nice to counter her negativity.

7. Establish some rules when your mother comes to your house. If she won't respect your privacy, either put locks on the doors, or stop inviting her over. You can always go to visit her. However, if she wants to visit you, you need to make it clear to her that she can't keep violating your privacy.

8. Last but not least, don't get into it with your mother. In other words, say what you have to say, but be polite and firm. If she wants to argue, then leave it alone.

 I pray that Allah Most High opens your mother's heart and allows her to mend her ways.

And Allah knows best.