How can i persuade my husband to try to reconcile our marriage?

I have recently separated from my husband after 4 years of marriage because he says he doesn't love me anymore. But i think that many marriages suffer from this. How can i persuade him that marriage in Islam is a sacred thing and that we should work out our differences and seek help first through islamic solutions. He has said that he has 'decided' and nothing can change how he feels. What can i do to try to resolve our marriage?

In the Name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful.

Dear Sister,

I apologize for the long delay in writing back. I pray that, in this time, you and your husband have worked things out.

Insha'Allah, I will offer my advice, but my foremost recommendation is to go to a marriage counselor. A Muslim therapist would be best, but a non-Muslim counselor, committed to helping couples reconcile, is also a choice. Furthermore, is there any pious, knowledgeable Muslim who can mediate? What about the imam of the masjid? Is there a family member? A respected elder? It often takes the support of one's family, if not the entire community, to help a couple weather the vicissitudes of married life.

Did your husband offer any reasons for his feelings? Since I have not heard his side, I can't offer any conclusions. What I can share with you are my observations, based on studying and talking to people who have been married for decades.

1. Marriage takes work. There's no way to get around that. And it takes work from BOTH sides. Sisters tell me that very often they will put a lot of work into the marriage, but, unfortunately, the husband doesn't keep up his end. Both husband and wife should realize from the outset that being married is more than bringing home the money, paying the bills, cooking, and cleaning. Being married means nurturing a relationship with love, patience, generosity, and a good sense of humor. I highly recommend Ustadha Hedaya Hartford's Initiating and Upholding an Islamic Marriage (almuhajabat.com) for some deep insights into the spiritual aspects of marriage.

2. A good marriage is strengthened by spiritual growth, emotional maturity, and intellectual development on both sides. If husbands and wives don't grow together, they often grow apart. Each person is responsible as an individual for fulfilling their religious obligations. However, each person is part of a team. Like Ustadha Hedaya says in her book, the spirit of an Islamic marriage is that of husband and wife gently pulling each other into Paradise. Spouses should set aside time for each other: time to worship, time to work, and time to play. Doing a variety of activities together can strengthen their bond and cause them to see each other in a new light.

3. People often mistake lust for love. When husband and wife are newlyweds, they often experience a high level of desire for each other. Over time, as the spouses get used to each other and settle into routines, that passion can wane. Having children can also tax their physical relationship. Then husband and wife get disappointed with each other because they expected that that initial high of the honeymoon period would last forever. The key here is to realize that the driving force behind marriage has to be something more stable and more profound than passion. Passion is a good thing. But it has to be balanced and expanded upon with love. You don't want to wake up one day and decide, o since I've run out of passion, I must not be in love anymore.

4. Sometimes it takes a lifetime to discover what love truly is. It isn't anything like the portrayals in popular entertainment. It doesn't always reveal itself in some great epiphany. Instead, it manifests itself in very subtle, almost unconscious ways. Husbands and wives don't magically fall in love. They have to strive toward it, battling many obstacles on the way. Love is worth fighting for. And the best help we can have in this struggle is the divine tawfiq, or success, of Allah Most High. To achieve this divine help, we have to constantly turn to Allah in sincere supplication, strive to perform our religious obligations, and honor the rights of our spouses, even when we don't want to. Sometimes we may not like our spouses. However, remember the words of Allah Most High, "And consort with your wives in a goodly manner; for if you dislike them, it may well be that you dislike something which God might yet  make a source of abundant good." [Al-Nisa, 4:19]

5. Marriage is a commitment made upon the Word of Allah and the Sunna of His Messenger, Allah bless him and grant him peace. It should not be taken lightly, and it should not be ended lightly. Please encourage your husband to seek counseling. This is the best way. Allah Most High says that the believers decide their affairs through shura, or mutual consultation. Tell your husband that you are committed to finding a solution.

I pray that this was of some help. May Allah Most High unite you and your husband in true love for His sake.

Last, but not least, please see this article on SunniPath:

Seeking divorce because of unhappiness and a change of heart at http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=181&CATE=11

And Allah knows best.