My husband talks to his female friends from time to time, is this allowed?

My husband has life long female friends that he keeps in touch with and talks on the phone with from time to time. How can I convince him that this is wrong Islamically? He doesn't see anything wrong with those friendships because they are completely platonic. Yet it makes me very unhappy and I need to convince him that it is not right, he thinks that this is an issue of jealousy, but it's not. If this was right Islamically I would not be complaining or unhappy about it. Please help.

In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful

Dear Sister,
Asalaamu 'Alaikum wa Rahmatu Llahi wa Barakatuhu -

I pray that this message reaches you in increasing iman and wellbeing.

As you are acutely aware, personal free-mixing friendships between men and women are not permitted in Islam, with a reason and wisdom for our hearts and personal lives.

Though your husband's female friends may be completely platonic, unless these relationships have a higher purpose such as the exchange of beneficial knowledge or spreading of the Religion for example, it remains wrong for him to maintain friendships with them.

Having friendships with members of the opposite gender could potentially lead to flirtatious behavior and inappropriate gestures and nuances due to one's intimate comfort level with them. It is not only adultery that is forbidden is Islam but also any act that would lead to this venomous action that destroys family and society.

Allah Almighty said, "Do not come near fornication, for it is indeed lewdness and an evil life-style." (Al-Isra': 32). The key words here being, "Do not come near", meaning the avenues that lead to fornication i.e. free-mixing personal friendships with the opposite gender.

Men and women incline to one another and do enjoy each other's company and for this reason Allah has granted us the blessing and mercy of marriage. Marriage is a sacred and deep relationship that grants the husband and wife a unique and exclusive status with each other.

I suggest that, after turning to Allah in your heart for help, you sit down calmly and sincerely with your husband and discuss with him the following points:

1) Remind him that you are his loving, committed, and loyal wife. Inform him you want the best for him in this world and in the hereafter. Be honest, sincere, and true. Assure him that you know he is a good man who also wants the best for you and your marriage.

2) Express to him you are concerned about his friendships with the opposite gender. Discuss the forbidden nature of these friendships in a non-threatening but straightforward way. Tell him that it not only affects his practice of the religion but also his marriage.

3) Tell him that when you married him you did so because it was your aim to create and maintain an Islamic family functioning on the rules of the Shari'a. If you were not religious before you married, and have become so afterwards, tell him that this is your intention now and that you need his help and support in achieving this goal. Clearly state to him that his friendships with women jeopardize this noble aim because of the forbidden nature of them.

4) Ask him to kindly inform him female friends that he cannot maintain a friendship with them, albeit platonic, because of the mandates of the Shari'a as he is a Muslim man striving to please Allah Almighty.

When discussing, give him a chance to express his thoughts and feelings.

Since your husband's female friends are life-long, I advice you to resist the temptation to belittle the value and significance that those relationships mean to him. He may value the friendship of these female friends because they have shown him loyalty, helped him out though a hardship, or given him sincere advice in a time of need. You may appear as insensitive or harsh should you belittle that, and it would make it harder for him to accept your words.

If your husband rejects your advice and plea to eliminate these female friends from his life, try to find a way to re-establish those relationships on completely Islamic terms. You may suggest to your husband that you and him start a Saturday afternoon Islamic activity program for the children in your neighborhood and include his female friends to take part in it. This will allow them to maintain a relationship though completely within the bounds of the Shari'a, as they would not only be working together but also aiming to spread knowledge of the religion.

If time or circumstances do not permit such an activity, you may suggest that you start an Islamic discussion group through the internet, where you are included, to opening discuss, share, and grow in knowledge.

Personal relationships beyond such mediums, as stated, would not be permissible or advised. I hope that your husband accepts your words and advice and strives to find a balance in this situation.

The following links should also be helpful:

Confusion on limits to talking to the opposite sex

http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=3&ID=7024&CATE=470

What is the proper gender-interaction in Islam?

http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=4771&CATE=143

I pray that Allah Most High grants for you the path of success in this and every matter.

And Allah Knows Best.

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Wajihah Gregor converted to Islam while at NYU in 1998. Shortly after graduating university with a degree in Political Science and Metropolitan Studies, she traveled to Syria where she studied Arabic at the University of Damascus, and took Islamic courses at the Fath University of Islam. She also studied Shafi'i fiqh with private teachers, as well as 'aqidah, tajweed, hadith, history, and tafseer. She currently resides in Amman, Jordan.