Answered by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Regarding the answer to the question "Is it not a form of sexual abuse for a husband to be able to force his wife to have sex? How come the wife does not have the same right? " Why can the husband demand and the wife not? and where is that ruling derived from? what is the source from the Prophets hadiths that states this?
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful and Compassionate.
May His blessings and peace be on His Beloved Prophet Muhammad, and his family, companions, and followers.
Allah Most High has decreed that marriage entails certain rights and responsibilities, for both parties, because of wisdoms not lost on anyone who reflects and realizes that this is the command of the One aware of what is best for His creation.
Among these obligatory rights is the right for each spouse’s physical needs to be fulfilled through marriage. The only difference is that the husband may ‘demand’ this, while the wife cannot, though she too has the right to due complaint and to seek that her rights be fulfilled. [Ibn Abidin, Radd al-Muhtar]
This returns to various considerations, including the difference in the normal nature of male and female sexual desire, the husband being the amir of the family, and the consideration of how each party’s ‘demanding’ would affect marital relations, given the nature of men and the nature of women. Thus, this ruling is deeply rooted in Divine Wisdom. [Shah Wali Allah, Hujjat Allah al-Baligha; Zuhayli, al-Usra al-Muslima]
This is at the level of law.
The law of love is different: seeking one’s rights through demands, argument, and firmness is contrary to the spirit of the sunna of the Beloved Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace). It is established in the Sacred Law that it is disliked for a man to have intercourse with his wife without foreplay, given that women generally take longer to reach high sexual arousal. [Khadimi, al-Bariqa fi Sharh al-Tariqa, 4.203 and elsewhere]
This is based on the reported words of the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace),
“Do not begin intercourse until she has experienced desire like the desire you experience, lest you fulfill your desires before she does.” [Mentioned by Imam Ibn Qudama in his Mughni]
And it is authentically established that he (peace and blessings be upon him) said,
“Verily your wife has rights over you.” [Bukhari and Muslim]
We should be careful about the rhetoric we apply when thinking of things. There are two ways to look at things:
a) subjective human perspectives alone, the following of which keeps one in the darknesses of confusion; or
b) through the guidance of the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace), which takes us out of these multitudinous darknesses to the light of spiritual realization.
Following the guidance of the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) entails not only outward ‘following’ of forms but—more importantly—submitting to it with one’s heart, mind, and soul out of realization that all good and benefit lie in the guidance of Allah and His Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him).
Allah Most High tells us in the Qur’an,
“But your god is One God: submit to Him alone, and give good tiding to those who humble themselves in submission,-
To those whose hearts when Allah is mentioned, are filled with fear, who show patient perseverance over their afflictions, keep up regular prayer, and spend (in charity) out of what We have bestowed upon them.” [Qur'an, 022.034-035]
And Allah alone gives success.
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