I live in a joint family and things are not working out. What should I do?

I live in a joint family and things are not working out. What should I do?

In the name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful,

Praise be to Allah, and may His peace and blessings shower upon our Beloved Messenger.

My heart goes out to you. This is a difficult situation. However, I do believe there is light at the end of the tunnel.

The situation you have described sounds like one where you and your husband have been pressured to conform to certain cultural expectations that have little or nothing to do with Islam.

You are obligated to be kind and polite to your in-laws. However, this doesn't mean that you have to wait on them hand and foot.

I'm not sure what the terms of your marriage contract are, but if you stipulated in your contract that your husband had to provide private lodging for you, then, legally, he could not put you in your father-in-law's house. Even if you didn't stipulate the conditions of your lodging in your contract, your husband is still obligated to provide you with the kind of lodging that you're accustomed to, where you can raise a family in peace. Your concerns are very valid.

I know from experience that living with in-laws can be an extremely trying situation, where you have to exercise a lot of sabr, or patience. If you and your in-laws are very compatible and mutually respect each other's independence and privacy, then a joint living arrangement may work. If, however, the situation is as you have described, with the in-laws ordering you around, expecting you to serve teenagers who can help themselves, exposing small children to television, preventing you from visiting your family, and interfering in private matters between husband and wife, then you need to leave this situation.

As you have stated, there is a lot of resentment and ill-will. I don't see how this situation is benefiting anyone. Furthermore, you mentioned that the house was gotten with interest. Your husband is obligated to provide you with halal lodging. A mortgage doesn't make for halal lodging.

The bottom line is: your husband and his brother need to stand up to their parents. Culture is not above Islam. Kindly, respectfully, and firmly, your husband needs to do what is right for you and your future children. You and your sister-in-law are entitled to private lodging where you can raise your children in a peaceful, Islamic environment and be free to make your own decisions. When adults are put in a situation where they are treated like children, cannot make even basic decisions, and cannot even enforce rules for their children, the situation can become explosive. I am not exaggerating when I say that many a marriage has been destroyed because of this type of interference where husband and wife can do nothing on their own.

For the sake of your sanity and your marriage, I strongly advise you and your husband to move out. This is not severing ties with your in-laws. You can still visit them, be kind to them, and maintain family ties. But you owe it to yourself, your husband, and your future children to seek a better environment.

And Allah knows best. And Allah alone gives success.

May Allah make things easy for you.

Zaynab Ansari

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This is advice that is generally applicable to your case, given the details mentioned. However, we highly recommend--in all such cases--that one seek the counsel of a reliable local scholar or counselor.