Marriage troubles...

I have been married for the past 12 years. My husband is a rich person but he is not a practicing Muslim. He always tortures from words like what your parents gave, even though alhamdulillah my father helps us a lot then also he tortures me & he doesn't respect or love me. He thinks just feeding 3 meals a day is enough. Day by day my depression is increasing. Alhamdulillah I pray 5 times & as much as possible I try to follow.

Is this Correct that in Islam after marriage wife must not look after her parents???? Not even once a year for 8 days, she can't stay at parents home for atleast 8 days once in a year???

I am fed up by my husband's verbal abuse. I think of my Fate & my 10 year old son's, so I'm living with him. But now I'm so confused I don't want to continue with him. I'm very much confused plz help me. As he doesn't fear Allah & he won't listen to anyone's advice. I don't have any hope so please help me...

In the name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful,

A wife’s first and primary obligation is to serve her husband as it is the husband’s responsibility to look after and take care of his wife. However, the wife has a right that her parents visit her once a week, and if they are not able to do so, she can visit them once a week. The husband can not prevent her from this, for this is her Islamic right. Anything besides that, such as staying over night, etc, the husband’s consent must be attained.

Imam al-Mawsili (may Allah have mercy on him) states in al-Ikhtiyar:

“The husband has a right to prevent his wife’s family members to visit her in his house (for the house belongs to him). However, he should not stop them from talking to her and looking at her (at any time, for in there will be severing of ties…It is said: He should not prevent her from visiting her parents, and another opinion states, he can do so). He can not prevent her parents from visiting her in her husband’s home once a week, and other family members once a year”. (al-Ikhtiyar li Ta’lil al-Mukhtar, 3/228).

Allama Ibn Abidin (Allah have mercy on him) states:

“The husband should not prevent his wife from leaving to visit her parents once a week if they are not able to visit her…It is related from Imam Abu Yusuf that her leaving to visit her parents is pre-conditional to them being unable to visit her”. (Radd al-Muhtar, 2/664).

For me to comment on your specific question is very difficult given the fact that I am unaware of the details of your particular case. As such, the following advice is based purely on what I have managed to gather from your question, and may not actually represent your situation.

Your first and primary obligation is to serve your husband, but that does not in any way mean you have to forego your parents. As stated above, you have a right that your parents visit you once a week, and if they are disabled or not physically or financially in a position to visit you, then you may visit them once a week. Your husband can not prevent you from talking with them over the phone unless you indulge in excessive conversation by which you neglect his rights. However, your husband has a right to prevent you from staying the night over at your parents place.

Try discussing this with your husband and mutually agree on how often you may visit your parents. You can also make a big difference by being willing to give way a little.

As regards to the torture you refer to, if there is a way to stop him abusing you, then that would be the best option. The mediation of someone whom your husband respects may well make a difference. Explain to him yourself (or through someone else) the sin of torturing and abusing one’s wife.

However, if there is no light at the end of the tunnel, and your husband is physically and verbally very abusive (and believe me, some men can be just that), then you may well consider annulment of your marriage through the mediation of an Islamic council. A husband is not worthy of being a husband if he physically abuses his wife. The mercy of both worlds, the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said:

“Do not beat the female servants of Allah”

And:

“Some women visited my family complaining about their husbands beating them).These (husbands) are not the best of you”. (Sunan Abu Dawud).

Abd Allah ibn Zam’a (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said:

“...How does anyone of you beat his wife as he beats the stallion camel and then he may embrace (sleep with) her”. (Sahih al-Bukhari, no. 5695).

However, you need to consider your son, thus you must think twice before taking any action. You don’t want your child to suffer the consequences of your failed marriage. Therefore, weigh up the harms and then opt for the lesser of the two evils.

If it is possible to save your marriage for the sake of your son, then that would be the preferred option. If, however, the torture is too much to bear (or your child is also being abused), then by all means you may consider annulment of your marriage on grounds of abuse and oppression. Think long and hard before you decide to do anything. May Allah choose whatever is best for you, and our prayers are also with you.

And Allah knows best

Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari
Darul Iftaa, Leicester, UK