Refuse relations with spouse

1) am i allowed to refuse having sex with my husband? i read in a book that angels will curse me the whole night if i refuse sex with him. that doesnt seem fair. is it true? i have been married for almost a year now, we have sex almost every night except when im on my period, in which case sometimes i please him in other ways. i like having sex but i dont want it everyday, and i dont want children yet, and he doesn't want to use any birth control, he wants me to bear him children. his mentality is completely different from mine, i am from america and he is from pakistan with his pakistani mentality that the man is superior and the woman has to do everything for him at all times. how do i deal with the fact that he has a different mentality also? and can i refuse sex or is that haram?

2) the second question i had was that i read in another book that there was a man who asked the prophet muhammad peace be upon him how often can he have sex with his wife. and the prophet muhammad said a certain amount of time, then he said something like please can it be more often? and then this went on for a little while until the prophet muhammad peace be upon him finally said once a week and then something like 'if the man has it more then he is not amongst the living' i think thats what it was, but is that true because on sunnipath i read that it was once every four days, not once every week?

In the Name of Allah, the Gracious, the Merciful.

Dear Sister,

I pray this message finds you well.

The Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, was a man of the utmost sensitivity and compassion concerning women. Muslim men and women should look to the Prophet's life for guidance in all affairs, not just those related to the ritual aspects of Islam, such as praying and fasting.

The Prophet's intimate relations, Allah bless him and give him peace, were characterized bylove and tenderness towards his wives. It is in this light that we should interpret the hadith mentioned above. This hadith is an admonition to women who use sex as a weapon against their husbands. It is not a blanket condemnation of every woman who has ever refused her husband. In fact, Islamic law does give women the right to refuse sexual intercourse when engaging in sexual activity will be detrimental to their well-being.

What women must exercise in this regard is compassion, patience, and tact. It is one thing to refuse one's husband every now and then because one is tired. However, it is another altogether to make it a habit. This is what women must guard against. Sex is one of the most fundamental ingredients of a happy marriage, and this is what the hadith was referring to.

Now, in terms of how often a couple should have sex, this is a decision that should be reached mutually. Having sex everyday can be exhausting and it is not unreasonable for you to ask your husband for a little respite. Ustadha Hedaya Hartford, in her work entitled Islamic Marriage: Starting Out on the Right Foot, advises couples to establish a golden mean in their sex life. While recognizing that each spouse has a different libido, couples can successfully negotiate what is an achievable goal for them in terms of sexual activity. If the husband's libido is very high, while the wife's is moderate to low, then that's just a further incentive for the couple to settle on a level of sexual intimacy that is mutually satisfactory.

The best way to achieve this is through honest, respectful discussion. Try to broach the topic with sensitivity and regard for your husband's feelings. Men sometimes interpret their wives' lack of interest in sex as a personal rejection, so be sure to emphasize to your husband how much you love him. Let him know that you want to enjoy your intimate life and, in order to do that, it helps to step back from time to time to let the body rejuvenate itself. That way, sex will be more fulfilling for both spouses.

As to the issue of birth control, once again, this should be a mutual decision. If you're really not ready for children, then you need to discuss birth control methods that are acceptable to both you and your husband. There are a number of choices available to Muslim couples, the main stipulation being that one must avoid any type of birth control which aborts the fertilized egg or zygote.

As to the second question, I am not familiar with any hadith of the Prophet, peace be upon him, that puts a limit on sex between husband and wife. The answer you saw on SunniPath that referred to having sex every four days is a recommendation for men who are married to more than one woman. In such a case, the husband is encouraged to have sex with his wife at least once every four days in order to make sure that her needs are being met.

Finally, in terms of changing your husband's mentality, keep in mind that it is very difficult to change the way a person thinks, particularly if attitudes have been deeply engrained. What you can try to do is to get your husband to at least see things from a different perspective, even if he doesn't change his mind. If you find that your and your husband's ideas on core issues are fundamentally at odds, then it might be advisable to seek marriage counseling.

May Allah Ta'ala bring you and your husband together in love and understanding.

And Allah knows best.